I’m one of those blokes; if I go to a dance
It’s best if I stand by the wall
Coz sheilas don’t often wear steel-capped boots
It embarrasses me when I fall
My feet are both left, of balance bereft
I’m ungainly and clumsy and slow
But I scorn your pity, don’t need it a bit y’see
I have a talent also

So here’s to the dancers
Their rhythm and skill
Good on them, wherever they are
But you’ll never see
One more graceful than me
When I’m bringing back beer from the bar

When I was kid if I asked: ‘Can I play?”
The answer was always: ‘Get nicked’
When the teachers made captains line up and choose teams
I was always the last to get picked
The ball would whiz by coz me hand and me eye
Too randomly co-ordinate
Rejected and raw, it was years ‘til I saw
Myself blessed by a much better fate

So here’s to the sportsmen….

‘Though I have been single for most of me life
A ladies’ man I’ll never be
The unlucky woman who would be my wife
Would have to be clumsier than me
‘Though enthusiastic my action’s too spastic
I can’t help it, that’s how I’m made
But my character’s good and that’s just how it should be
Without it I’d never get laid

So here’s to the lovers….

My life would be tragic if not for that magic
That’s truly, peculiarly, odd
And instantly after I’ve paid for the beer
Transforms a drunk into a god
I glide through the crowd as light as a cloud
‘Though the glasses are filled to the top
My footsteps are stable ‘til I reach my table
I don’t spill the tiniest drop

Here’s to the drinkers
To us who don’t spill
Good on us wherever we are
And you’ll never see
One more graceful than me
When I’m bringing back beer from the bar