I’ve got a girl called Mandy. She’s tall and she’s tanned and she’s kind. She’s fun and she’s smart and she’s got a good heart. An open and interested mind. She’s got an infectious giggle. She’s always impeccably dressed. I’ve got a girl called Mandy And Mandy’s alright, I guess. But oh, God I miss Candy. She’s the best I’ve ever had. When I think of the day I left Candy I feel so guilty and sad I remember the times spent with Candy, and I know what it means to yearn How can I get back with Candy? And when, oh when will I learn? And now I’m seeing Sandy. She just got her PhD. She lectures in stage when she’s not writing plays. She’s written a few about me. She’s got quite a huge libido. She smells like a morning rose. And now I’m seeing Sandy And Sandy’s okay, I s’pose. But oh, man I miss Mandy. She’s the best I’ve ever had. How could I do that to Mandy? I’m such a despicable cad. When I think back to moments with Mandy I’m afraid that my eyes’ll burn How can I get back with Mandy? And when, oh when will I learn? I’ve got a thing with Randy. She models for Calvin Klein. She just made a mil on a shoot in Brazil. She says the next million is mine. She’s happy and unaffected. Knows how to tell fake from real. I’ve got a thing with Randy. And she’s quite a catch, I feel. But oh, shit I miss Sandy. She’s the best I’ve ever had. Why did I end it with Sandy? I must have been stupid or mad. Just to spend a few seconds with Sandy I’d give every cent I earn How can I get back with Sandy? And when, oh when will I learn? And when, oh when will I learn? And when, oh when will I learn?

I’m the type who is seldom seen Guys like me are few and far between I’m a rare, spare scriptwriter’s dream .... I’m as rare as teeth on chooks As ducks in the desert, as a man who cooks But I’ve got things weighted my way ’Cause I’m not married and I’m not gay. No need to worry, no need to try Girls buzzin’ ’round me just like flies I’m a guy of the rarest kind Talk to me, baby. I don’t mind I don’t mind I can’t dance, I’ve got feet of lead I can’t talk and I’m crap in bed But it’s a bright bright sunshiney day ’Cause I’m not married and I’m not gay. No need to struggle, no need to strive Women are swarming nine to five I’m the gem that you never find Come home with me, baby. I don’t mind I don’t mind. I don’t mind I’m as ugly as a bulldog’s bum Half as fun as a Baghdad slum Who cares? I’ve got it made Because I’m not married and I’m not gay. Oh no, I’m not married and I’m not gay. You see I’m not married and I’m not gay

It’s raining lightly in a rowboat in a river And you’re sending silent sonnets in your gaze And when the clouds part, to let the sun warm rays deliver Oh well it’s nothing to the sparkle in your face That’s when you tell me that you love me And you leave the question hanging in your eyes And I say ... um. And I say right And I say well, hmmm And I say ah And I say um again And I say, ooh, I better take back the boat! There’s tinkling glasses playing tunes in the piazza A dozen couples leaning close in tète-a-tètes And though our tummies have been rumbling for their pasta We scarcely notice when the waiter brings our plates That’s when you ask me what I’m thinking With a subtle hint of warning in your eyes And I say ... um. And I say right And I say well, hmmm And I say ah And I say um again And I say, ooh, I better re-park the car. The sun is setting on a ridge behind our villa But it’s cozy on the rug beside the fire And though the walls are made of tin and polyfilla It seems that nature will provide all we require That’s when you tell me that you’re leaving! But there’s still a hopeful glimmer in your eyes And I say ... um. And I say right And I say well, hmmm And I say ah And I say um again And I say, ooh, I better go paint the house! And I say ... um And I say um And I say um And I say um How’s your plumbing? Have you got enough oil in your car? Hey, I better take out the garbage!

I’m glad the world’s delivered us a day For living life in a brave, wholehearted way Prepared to share our hopes, our plans, our visions Prepared to shelve our meaningless ambitions. For men and women, reconciliation For every chore there’s glad reciprocation An eye for figures means respect for art; The bottom line is somewhere round the heart. And yes I was proud to be a new age guy Not afraid to feel, and not afraid to cry Cause life’s a gift, no matter how you choose it It’s not what we’ve got that counts, but how we use it ... But then my illusions were brutally shattered When I learned the truth about what really mattered: Size does matter, I thought it didn’t but I was wrong Size, size, size does matter, and they were lying all along: How can I dare even look in your eyes, There’s no hope for me there when what you want is size! Size, size, size does matter. Size matters! Size does matter, I thought it didn’t but I was wrong Size does matter, and they were lying all along: How can I dare even look in your eyes, There’s no hope for me there when what you want is size! Size does matter. Size matters! So here am I. I’m pleading. On my knees. I’m feeling limp, but willing still to please. I may be down, but boldly will I rise! I’ll care and share, but don’t insist on size. You can’t understand, it’s a heartbreaking schism When fortune’s determined by size fascism! Size does matter, I thought it didn’t but I was wrong Size, size, size does matter, and they were lying all along: How can I dare even look in your eyes, There’s no hope for me there when what you want is size! Size, size, size does matter. Size matters!